1.91.2 Set Boundaries

dealing with manipulative behaviours such as gaslighting, trolling, and biased obligations.

In an increasingly interconnected world, navigating challenges often involves dealing with manipulative behaviors such as gaslighting, trolling, and biased obligations. These tactics can chip away at your confidence, leaving you in a state of stoicism that may mask learned helplessness. The 5W1H framework—Who, What, Where, When, Why, and How—can be a powerful tool for setting boundaries in problem-solving to overcome these destructive forces.

1. Who?

Identify the Influencers in Your Problem-Solving Environment

The first step in setting up boundaries is to recognize who is influencing your problem-solving process. Are there individuals who consistently question your decisions, undermine your confidence, or push you into doubt? Gaslighters and trolls thrive on this ambiguity, seeking to make you second-guess yourself. By identifying these negative influences, you can start to establish who should and should not have input in your decision-making process.

Example: If a colleague constantly dismisses your ideas in meetings, recognize that this person might be trying to undermine your self-esteem. By setting clear boundaries around your interaction with them, you can protect your mental space and focus on constructive feedback instead.

2. What?

Define the Problem and the Boundaries You Need

Clearly define the problem you’re trying to solve and the boundaries that will help you stay focused. Stoicism, while valuable in many situations, can sometimes lead you to internalize doubts, especially when faced with manipulative behavior. Establish what aspects of the problem are within your control and what boundaries are necessary to avoid falling into learned helplessness.

Example: If you’re dealing with a team member who constantly tries to shift the blame to you, recognize that this behavior is outside your control. Set a boundary by documenting interactions and decisions to protect yourself from unjust accusations.

3. Where?

Determine the Environment for Problem-Solving

Where you solve problems can significantly impact your ability to maintain boundaries. Physical and virtual environments influence your mental state. Choose spaces where you feel safe, supported, and free from the interference of gaslighters or trolls. This also means setting digital boundaries—limit exposure to negative influences on social media or in unproductive online forums.

Example: If you find yourself distracted or emotionally drained by a toxic work environment, try to solve complex problems in a different setting, like a quiet room or a neutral meeting space, where you can think clearly and set boundaries against negative influences.

4. When?

Recognize When to Act and When to Retreat

Timing is crucial in problem-solving, especially when dealing with manipulative behaviors. Recognize when it’s time to confront an issue directly and when it’s better to step back to avoid unnecessary conflict. Setting temporal boundaries ensures that you don’t waste energy on endless debates with trolls or get drawn into fruitless arguments with those who hold biased obligations.

Example: If a social media troll starts an argument late at night, recognize that engaging will likely lead to frustration and loss of sleep. Set a boundary by choosing not to respond until a more appropriate time—or not at all.

5. Why?

Understand Your Motivations and Goals

Understanding why you need to set boundaries is essential. What are your motivations? Are you trying to solve a problem efficiently, protect your mental health, or avoid falling into learned helplessness? Clarifying your “why” helps you stay committed to your boundaries, especially when external pressures challenge them.

Example: If your goal is to complete a project successfully, recognize that engaging with a gaslighter who constantly derails the conversation will only hinder progress. Your “why” in this scenario is to maintain focus on the task, not on the individual trying to create doubt.

6. How?

Implement Strategies to Uphold Boundaries

Finally, it’s crucial to establish how you will maintain your boundaries. This might involve developing specific communication strategies, such as assertive language, or creating physical barriers, like setting “do not disturb” times. The “how” is about practical steps to ensure that your boundaries are respected and that you remain in control of the problem-solving process.

Example: If you’re dealing with a biased interpretation from a team member, set a boundary by redirecting conversations back to facts and evidence. Use phrases like, “Let’s focus on the data” or “Can we return to the original question?” to steer the discussion back on track.

Conclusion: Empowering Your Problem-Solving Abilities

By applying the 5W1H framework, you can set clear, actionable boundaries that protect you from the negative influences of gaslighters, trolls, and biased obligations. These boundaries empower you to overcome stoicism as a denial of learned helplessness and to stay focused on effective problem-solving. Remember, the goal is not just to solve the problem at hand but to do so in a way that preserves your mental well-being and integrity.